We were cutting a load of wood when my wife, The Great Juan, told me we needed to stop so she could get cleaned up and get ready for an oil party. “An oil party?” I said, “What the heck is an oil party?” While tossing a chunk of wood in the truck she replied, “There will be oils at the party you can buy that have healing or therapeutic benefits.” While adding gas to the chainsaw I said, “I ain’t rubbing a bunch of stinky stuff all over you! Does it smell like that Old Hazel juice you spray all over yourself in the morning before work?” She bristled up and said, “You don’t like the smell of my fragrance mist?” I harshly replied, “No, that perfume gives me a headache and It smells like you’ve been at the nursing home all day playing Canasta.”
5 hours later…. I walk in the house and The Great Juan yells. “Honey, come here!” I knew what was coming so I tried to cut her off at the pass. “Juan, I can’t believe you fell for the old Snake Oil trick. You ain’t basting me with that weird oil!” I said with certainty. “Seriously,” she said with her well-known assertiveness, “Just a drop or two works wonders for stress!” She lifted my shirt and rubbed a handful of smelly oil on my belly and continued. “There ya go, this will help with your stress and digestive system.” Then she lifts my shirt higher and drops a different oil in her hand and rubs it on my chest and says with a soft voice, “This one improves your mood and alertness and is also an anti-inflammatory.” I tried to get away, but she hung on like a wood tic. “Wait! Wait!” she says while tightening the hold on my shirt. “ This one promotes scalp health and smells really good too.” Then she removes my hat and rubs it thoroughly on my bald head.
I tried to break free, but she used that mother’s grip while reaching for another bottle of oil. “This one boosts your immunity system and helps with headaches and it will even give you a healthy libido if rubbed on your feet, BUT, we will put this one up for now. Here, let’s try this one.” She grabs and pinches my nose and says “Open your mouth!” Then she tosses in a little bead. “Let it dissolve in your mouth. It promotes oral health and increases your feelings of trust and bonding.” I spit and sputtered and responded with a whine, “Juan that tastes terrible!” She nervously giggled, “Whoops, wrong one. The one in your mouth reduces pain and is an insect repellant.
The Great Juan had me greased up like a pie pan and smelling like a spice rack. It’s too early to know if this stuff is going to work or not, but I don’t have any chigger bites, rusty nails or a single squeak in my step.
Rick Friday is a “Retired Farmer, Cartoonist & Writer reaching 1,625,000 readers, including subscriptions & newsstands.” He is also a Union County Supervisor (Iowa) and the keeper of Rosie the blind cow and her pet goat, Rodney.
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A great morning laugh!
Perfect for Iowa as we’re getting plenty of snow today. Lots of schools closed.
This is a great line: “No, that perfume gives me a headache and It smells like you’ve been at the nursing home all day playing Canasta.”
He must amuse himself as he draws and writes! His wife is such a good sport.