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5 hours later…. I walk in the house and The Great Juan yells. “Honey, come here!” I knew what was coming so I tried to cut her off at the pass. “Juan, I can’t believe you fell for the old Snake Oil trick. You ain’t basting me with that weird oil!” I said with certainty. “Seriously,” she said with her well-known assertiveness, “Just a drop or two works wonders for stress!” She lifted my shirt and rubbed a handful of smelly oil on my belly and continued. “There ya go, this will help with your stress and digestive system.” Then she lifts my shirt higher and drops a different oil in her hand and rubs it on my chest and says with a soft voice, “This one improves your mood and alertness and is also an anti-inflammatory.” I tried to get away, but she hung on like a wood tic. “Wait! Wait!” she says while tightening the hold on my shirt. “ This one promotes scalp health and smells really good too.” Then she removes my hat and rubs it thoroughly on my bald head.

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I tried to break free, but she used that mother’s grip while reaching for another bottle of oil. “This one boosts your immunity system and helps with headaches and it will even give you a healthy libido if rubbed on your feet, BUT, we will put this one up for now. Here, let’s try this one.” She grabs and pinches my nose and says “Open your mouth!” Then she tosses in a little bead. “Let it dissolve in your mouth. It promotes oral health and increases your feelings of trust and bonding.” I spit and sputtered and responded with a whine, “Juan that tastes terrible!” She nervously giggled, “Whoops, wrong one. The one in your mouth reduces pain and is an insect repellant.

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Rick Friday is a “Retired Farmer, Cartoonist & Writer reaching 1,625,000 readers, including subscriptions & newsstands.” He is also a Union County Supervisor (Iowa) and the keeper of Rosie the blind cow and her pet goat, Rodney.