I had two scheduled medical appointments this week, one with my doctor and one with the dentist. I now know so much medical stuff that I can share the following with you:

Health is slowest rate at which you can die.

Nurses walk quietly near the medicine cabinets so they don’t wake the sleeping pills.

My doctor said the worst time to have a heart attack is while playing a game of charades.

I told the doctor that I was losing my sense of humor. She said it sounded like a case of irony deficiency.

I found this website the other day: conjunctivitis.med — it’s a site for sore eyes.

I told the dentist that I started to suffer from memory loss. He made me pay in advance.

Can an apple a day keep the doctor away? Well, yes, if you have good aim.

I took a banana to the doctor because it wasn’t peeling well.

I called the doctor to tell her I had a sick lemon. She said to give it lemon-aid.

Roverdose: a condition from owning too many dogs.

I had to call the paramedics the other day. I told them that I’d broken my leg in two places. They said to stop going to those places.

My doctor gave me a new kind of cough medicine – I have no idea what to expectorate.

Advice: never tell a lie to an x-ray technician – they can see right through you.

I tried writing a joke about amnesia, but forgot how it goes.

I featured Andrew’s book of poems about going through prostate cancer during National Poetry Month.